Save Myself
by NALEY23alwaysforever
Summary: "You're seriously considering leaving?" Jay asked in a slightly louder tone. Erin shrugged against him "Is it such a crazy idea?" Linstead! Set post 4x11. Started writing this ages ago but the majority has been inspired by Ed's new album 'Divide'.


**A/N: Hey! So I've had this story half-written for a while now, since 4x11 when Annie and Erin meet up, but my motivation and inspiration to write has been severely lacking. UNTIL I listened to Ed Sheeran's new album! I've been so inspired by the album and I've spent the whole day writing new chapters for my stories and finishing a whole bunch of one-shots like this one.**

 **I hope you like this story, the latest part I've written is inspired by 'Save Myself' from Ed's album 'Divide'. And sorry if there's any spelling/grammar mistakes, I was too excited to post I forgot to proofread :P**

 **Enjoy!**

Erin shuts the door quietly behind her, trying to avoid waking her boyfriend as she gently places her keys in the bowl on their side table, slips off her boots and jacket and places her gun in the drawer. Her sock-clad feet shuffle through the living room and enter into the kitchen.

She grabbed herself another beer leaning against the bench and taking in a long sip of the cool beverage. She sat there for a few minutes, contemplating whether she should walk into the bedroom, or out the front door. Before she could make the decision, the standing lamp next to their couch flickered on, startling Erin. There in the darkness sat Jay, beer in hand, staring straight at the wall in front of him.

"How long have you been sitting there?" Erin exclaimed in shock.

"Since I got home." Jay whispers turning to look at her "Where have you been?"

Erin shrugged "I spoke to Bunny first, then Jimmy. After that, I went to see Annie."

She can see the worry in his eyes remaining "Sorry I didn't call, I just needed some space."

"Space." Jay mumbles irritatedly under his breath, but Erin hears it "Do you have any idea how worried I was?"

"Yeah you're just full of concern for me these days." Erin bites back before she can control herself.

Jay places the beer on the coffee table and Erin notes the aggressive sound the bottle makes as its forcefully pushed into the wood. He stands up and walks until he's almost right in front of her keeping a few feet away.

"Is that what this is about!? 'Oh Jay wrecked my happy family fantasy so I'm going to let him sit at home worrying about whether or not I'm even alive'. That's real mature Erin."

"What do you want from me!?" Erin exclaimed "My whole world has been turned upside down, _again._ My mother screwed me over _again._ And my boyfriend, who I _begged_ not to, decided to keep digging against my wishes!"

"So what!? You'd rather I not have told you that your father wasn't your father? Let you live your entire life thinking Jimmy was your dad when in reality there's another man out there in the world, someone who may already know they're your father? What if years later, Bunny told you the truth, or someone else did. What would you have done then Erin!?"

Erin knows he's making sense, but she's angry. She's been hurt yet again by the people who were supposed to protect and love her. She slams her beer bottle down against the island counter, the glass breaking under her hand at the force of her movements. She looks down at the mess, a small cut on her hand, and storms off angrily into the bathroom.

Jay stays in the kitchen, knowing they both need a few minutes to calm down. It's one of the hard things about their relationship; they're both as stubborn as each other, neither like to admit they're wrong.

Jay busies himself cleaning up the mess, pushing the broken glass into the bin and wiping up the excess liquid on the countertop and mopping up the floor around the spill, quickly sweeping the floor to make sure there's no glass left. Before he realises it's been almost 20 minutes. He walks into the bathroom and sees Erin with her hand under the running water of the tap. The medicine cabinet above the sink is open and her uninjured hand is rummaging through, Jay assumes she's trying to find a bandaid.

He walks next to her, gently pushing her hand away and reaching up to the top shelf and pulling down the little container that he had placed there with an assortments of bandages in it. It's only when he closes the cabinet that he sees the tears brimming in Erin's eyes through the reflection of the mirror, but she won't meet his eyes, she won't let him see her cry.

So instead Jay takes her injured hand in one of his own turning off the tap with his free hand then grabbing the hand towel off the holder next to the sink, and gently starts dabbing the material against her skin to dry the area. He concentrates on her hand, doing a quick inspection to see if any glass is embedded in her skin before pouring a little bit of antiseptic over the area and then gently putting the bandage over the cut.

"Does it hurt?" Jay asks softly.

There's a slight sniffle followed by a quiet "no." and Jay lets go of her hand to put all the supplies back in the spot he's allocated for them in the cabinet.

He can hear Erin move out of the bathroom heading towards the bedroom and Jay commences his routine for the night, brushing his teeth before heading into the bedroom to change for bed. Erin's already in the bed, the blanket is all the way up to her chin and she's curled up on her side of the bed facing towards the door so she won't have to look at him when he lies down.

Jay pulls his boxers up his legs and takes his shirt off, staring at his empty space on the bed. He's considering just grabbing his pillow and heading into Nadia's old room to sleep or even the couch; he knows Erin doesn't like anyone in Nadia's room.

It's in that moment that his mother's words come flooding into his mind, something she'd said to him after he and Allie had their first big fight - after he told her he was enlisting. _'You know that saying never go to bed angry? I think it's got some truth to it. You never know when your last moment will come, you shouldn't spend time being angry with each other. Tell her you love her, kiss and makeup. just kiss though, no funny business alright?'_

He lets out a soft chuckle remembering his mother giving his head a slight slap, making sure he knew that she had no intention of advocating sex to her barely-legal-age son. And with those words in his mind, Jay shuffles his feet over to the bed and quietly climbs in.

He lays flat on his back for what feels like hours, glancing at Erin in his peripheral vision, before giving in and rolling on to his side and wrapping his arm around her waist pulling her towards him so her back is flush against his chest. The warmth radiating from her instantly comforts him, the scent of her strawberry shampoo instantly relaxing him.

"... You're right." He whispers into the almost pitch-black darkness "I shouldn't have interfered. It was your decision, and I didn't listen. But I'm not going to apologise. I'm never going to be sorry for trying to protect you Erin, that's all I was trying to do. I would rather you know the truth now, before diving into this relationship with Jimmy and growing attached to him further. So if you're expecting an apology for my actions then you're going to be severely disappointed because you're not -"

"I know you had good intentions." Erin intercepts "I'm not angry at you, you were just the only available person to take out my frustrations on."

"Who are you angry at then? Talk to me." Jay pleads quietly.

Erin turns in his arms, and they can just barely make out the other's face in the moonlight streaming through their half open curtains. She lays her hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat under her fingertips, helping to settle her.

"I got screwed over again Jay. I let Bunny back in and I let myself believe that, for once, life was actually going my way. And then she did it again. She pulled the rug out from under me and shattered my whole world again. And I don't think I can pick up the pieces again."

Jay runs a hand through her hair as he listens to her speak, her fingers gently brushing over the scar on his left pectoral muscle just near his heart.

"Annie asked me tonight why I was still in Chicago. And for the first time, I didn't really believe that I had a purpose here. It got me thinking, that maybe she's right. Maybe I should start over somewhere else. Olivia said she could use some more people in the SVU, I could start over. No Bunny, no drama. I can just focus on my job, and helping people like I always wanted."

"You're seriously considering leaving?" Jay asked in a slightly louder tone.

Erin shrugged against him "Is it such a crazy idea?"

"Yes!" He exclaimed sitting up and pulling Erin up with him, turning on the lamp on the bedside table "Erin, you belong here. You have so much here to stay for."

"I know. I have you, and Voight, and the team -"

"I'm not just talking about that Erin. You make a difference as a cop here. You help people _here_. Look at Nadia -"

"Yeah, because that worked out swell." Erin responds sarcastically.

"You're right, it may not have had the happiest ending, but you helped her. You help everyone Erin. You're always saving people; victims, your mum, Hank ... Me. If it weren't for you, Derek Keyes would've killed me and you and I both know that for a fact."

"What's your point Jay?" Erin cuts to the chase, not wanting to think about what could've happened that fateful day.

Jay lifts Erin chin so her eyes align with his "You're so busy saving everyone else, maybe you should focus on saving yourself first. You do this every time Erin, anytime something bad happens and you don't want to deal with it. You run, you're so busy trying to avoid the pain drowning yourself in drinks and drugs."

Erin's eyes avert from his again, her head hanging slightly in shame for her actions after Nadia's death. Jay just holds her tightly in his arms, his lips coming to rest against her forehead.

"Instead of running away from your problems, face them, Save yourself first Erin. You're always protecting everyone else, why can't you let us do the same?"

It's in that moment that Erin lets her walls down, the tears finally falling. No one's ever spoken to her like that; like they were seeing right through her, right into the core of her being. She had never felt so exposed. And it's in that moment of realisation that she lets her emotions out; her anger at her mother for not screwing her over yet again, her pain over losing the man she thought was her father, her disappointment in knowing she was no closer to finding out where she came from. She lets it all escape her as Jay holds her in the comfort of his arms, knowing that there she's safe.

They stay like that for a while until Erin's tears subside to soft sobs, and she realises that at some point Jay's starting to gently rock back and forth, brushing his hand through her hair and whispering sweet nothings against her forehead as he kissed her softly. She can feel herself starting to fade, exhaustion finally starting to catch up with her. She pulls Jay down so they're both lying down once more.

"Please don't leave me." Erin cries softly.

"What?" Jay asks surprised.

"You're right, I need to save myself. And I can do a lot of things on my own, but I can't do this. I can't do it without you."

Jay kisses her hair softly "I'm never leaving you Erin, you've got me whether you like it or not. For life."

And it's the first time that Erin truly believes those words. Growing up, she knew not to expect people to stick around. Even when she lived with the Voight's there was always that small voice in the back of the head that was telling her it was too good to be true.

But with Jay, she knows it's true. He's been there for everything; the good, bad and utterly, devastatingly soul crushing. He'd been there for her like no one else had been and then and there she knows that she could never leave Chicago.

She could never leave him, he's her home.

 **A/N: Okay so this was a bit of a cheesy ending but I'm in a bit of a cheesy mood haha**

 **I hope you guys liked this! I tried to incorporate the whole 'Save Myself' part into the dialogue, and hopefully it worked?**

 **Please let me know what you thought in a review! I have some ideas for a few more chapters of this, but for now it's going to be a one-shot. Maybe I'll change my mind depending on what you guys think of it!**

 **Hope you're all having a good week x**

 **\- Maddie :)**


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